Enemies of the Cullens, BEWARE!
by Lyrei
Summary: 20 hated people PLUS plans for revenge PLUS the Cullens EQUALS TO The ultimate revenge scheme. Witness the Cullens getting back at people whom they hate-Mike,Jessica,Lauren,Coach Clapp, Tyler, and MORE. And what is with the weird 'code names?
1. Revenge? HELL YEAH!

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything.**

**--**

**LOCATION: Cullen HQ**

**LOCAL TIME: 12:30 **

**PERSPECTIVE: BELLA.**

'Alice,' I said patiently. 'What the hell is this?'

I waved the booklet that she had distributed to all of us when we had _**filed**_ into the Cullen living room. If I acknowledged the twisting feeling in my gut, this wasn't going to be pretty. Then again, when were **any **of Alice's schemes pretty, or even faintly pleasant? **Faintly horrifying **should be the correct descriptive term.

Alice flashed a grin at me, revealing her venom-coated teeth.

'Read it.'

I shuddered, and obeyed. Then my eyes widened in disbelief.

**OPERATION: ENEMIES OF THE CULLENS, BEWARE.**

**OPERATION DATA: Targeting anyone and I mean ANYONE, who has messed with us. In any way or form. Unintentionally or intentionally. I'm serious. **

**TARGETS: Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, Mr. Banner, Coach Clapp, Mr. Varner. Mr. Mason, Dr. Gerandy, Mrs. Cope, the Janitor of Forks High, Mike Newton again, Lauren Mallory again.**

I understood why _some _of the people were on the list, but why the others?Almost all of the people I knew, or socialized with were on it.

**HIT TEAM: CULLENISMS007**

**TEAM MEMBERS: RADIO NAMES:**

**ALICE CULLEN COLONEL SHOPPING GODDESS**

**JASPER HALE MAJOR EMO PANTS**

**EMMETT CULLEN CAPTAIN TEDDY BEAR **

**ROSALIE HALE LIEUTENANT FLOWER POWER**

**BELLA CULLEN CAPTAIN TOMATO SOUP**

**EDWARD CULLEN PRIVATE PRUDE **

**PLAN 1: MIKE NEWTON MUST DIE. **

**PLAN 2: WATCH OUT JESS.**

**PLAN 3: THE EXECUTION OF LAUREN. **

**PLAN 4: THE DISAPPEARANCE OF TYLER CROWLEY.**

**PLAN 5: CHECKMATE, ERIC.**

**PLAN 6: BLOODTYPE MR. BANNER.**

**PLAN 7: 50 PUSHUPS COACH CLAPP.**

**PLAN 8: TRIGger ANYTHING? MR VARNER**

**PLAN 9: BOOK-A-MANIA. MR MASEN**

**PLAN 10: WHAT'S UP DOC? DR GERANDY**

**PLAN 11: HOW'S THE KIDS MRS COPE?**

**PLAN 12: MESS UP THE CLOSET.**

**PLAN 13: ROUND 2, MIKE.**

**PLAN 14: ROOM FOR ONE MORE, LAUREN?**

I looked up to the grinning faces of five amused vampires. I grumbled internally. _Stupid vampire speed._

'You guys are actually serious about this, aren't you?'

They nodded. A smile made its way across my face.

'Okay. What do I have to do?'

--

**LOCATION: Cullen HQ**

**LOCAL TIME: 13:05**

**DATE: THE FIRST DAY AFTER GRADUATION.**

**PERSPECTIVE: ALICE.**

Yes, _yes, __**yes.**_

The plans were going _perfectly, _just like I knew they would. Of course, Rose and I had already pre-purchased the clothes. Everything needs a suitable outfit. Even revenge schemes.

'TEAM CULLENISM 007, TO THE CULLEN DEN!'

I yelled, running off to the eastern wing of the Cullen Headquarters. The rest of my team was close behind me, grumbling negative things such as:

'Which part of superhuman hearing do you not understand? The super or the human?'

'My ears are bleeding…'

'That was louder than Edward in his stereo-blasting phase.'

'Excuse me; I did _**not **_have a stereo-blasting phase!'

Put a coven of vampires together for a couple of decades, and this is what you get. Shrugging, I tip-toed and took the handle off the phone that was in the middle of the wall. Then I dialed 007. Conspicuous? I guess. At least it's better than a handle, or god forbid, a _painting. _I motioned Jasper forward to the speaker and scanner that had appeared, after a section of the wall had slid inside itself.

'Jasper Whitlock Hale.'

He enunciated his name clearly into the speaker, and lifted his top eyelid up so that the scanners could scan his retina. After a few seconds, the robotic voice spoke.

'Welcome, Cullens.'

I heard Bella giggle behind me, and I turned around and raised an eyebrow.

'What? I mean, it's perfectly normal for seven vampires to have a secret room in their modern American home.'

Emmett snickered.

'Jasper, or Major Emo Pants was fixated with James Bond.'

'He still is.'

I muttered, as I entered the den.

--

**Perspective: Bella.**

'Edward. Is this a _kunai?'_

I reached up to touch it, but Edward quickly held my wrist. Knowing the danger-magnet I was, I'd probably cut my finger and bleed to death. He nodded, and quickly snagged a paintball gun with ease. Or at least, what I _hoped _was a paintball gun.

'What the hell is this place?'

'Cullen weapon den.'

I rolled my eyes. _Of course. _The weapons surrounding me did _not _tell me it was some sort of holding place for weapons. What intrigued me was _why_ the Cullen needed weapons. Weren't their teeth and speed good enough?

'I _know, _but why do you need weapons? I mean, I bet you're faster than any kind of gun here.'

Alice threw me a swift smile as she bent over a cart full of paintball ammunition.

'To torture innocent humans, of course.'

Oh, right. I could never have guessed.

'Even vampires can have a dark side. God knows, we've seen Carlisle's every now and then.'

_Carlisle?_ I could never have guessed. Then I thought about Emmett and Jasper fighting over a chocolate kitty biscuit when neither of them could even _eat._ Ah.

'Come on, we still need to go to Wal-Mart to take over the world.'

_What?_

'Eh, I meant to gather more materials for our plans.' Alice said, a little sheepishly. 'I mean, Esme doesn't usually buy a warehouse full of toilet paper.'

Huh. And I had thought that this 'den' held the answer to all life's questions. My future family certainly treated it that way.

--

**LOCATION: WAL MART.**

**TARGET: TOILETERIES SECTION.**

**LOCAL TIME: 12:55**

**PERSPECTIVE: JASPER**

Emmett would get a kick out of this. I knew he would. My dear wife was standing in front of a mountain-like toilet paper display, deciding which design of paper would look the 'prettiest and most fashionable' hanging from Mike Newton's house. I adore Alice, but sometimes she tended to take things a _little _too far. Wait, who am I kidding? She blows things _completely _out of proportion. And I love her for it. Besides, I can feel her signature exuberance five feet away.

'Jasper, look at this!' she cooed, tugging me to some other toilet paper display. I looked at it. Little puppies with wings and shooting stars. _Fabulous._ I started nodding my head and walking backwards.

'Very tasteful, dear.'

She beamed at me happily. If you were here, you'd see what I mean. Who alive or dead could resist Alice?

'Man, you are so totally _whipped._'

I glared at my brother.

'As if you aren't. Who begged at a certain girl's door for a week because the girl in question was angry with the guy in question?'

'Shut up, Major Emo Pants.'

Ugh. The code names and the combined amusement of both Alice and Emmett at my name made me want to pounce at something. Anything. So when Edward and Bella walked towards us, hand in hand, I tackled Edward.

'Jasper? What the-?'

I grinned at him sheepishly, while feeling like slamming my head against the paper display.

'Emotions overpowered me.'

He shot me an understanding smile, and helped Bella up, as she had tripped over a roll of toilet paper. _Hmm ._ While pondering the outcome of my decision (Yes, Alice had rubbed off on me),I picked it up, and hurled it at Emmett's massive form. That'd teach him to mess with me. Emmett froze as the toilet roll hit his head; half of it dissolving into tiny specks from the impact. Then he slowly turned around, a wild look crossing his features.

'Dear brother of mine… You. Are. So. Dead.'

Yes, Emmett. State the obvious thing.

'I'm glad you've noticed, after all these years. You do know that you are too, right?'

Emmett grabbed a handful of rolls from the gigantic toilet roll display, and started throwing them at me with deadly accuracy. Emmett, being Emmett, had thoughtfully took away the base of the toilet rolls, therefore collapsing the entire display.

'THIS MEANS WAR, MAJOR.'

Distantly, I could hear Bella mutter something as Edward ran away with her.

'_Oh boy.'_

Oh boy indeed.

--

**LOCATION: CULLEN HQ**

**LOCAL TIME: 1:25**

**PERSPECTIVE: ALICE.**

'Children, I am _very _disappointed in you. I was called from the hospital just to bail you out of _jail_, for the 19th time this year. I think,' Carlisle continued, 'that I'm going to have to stop your revenge scheme.'

I gasped.

'Carlisleyoucan'tdothistousssss!' I screamed, poking his chest rapidly at vampire speed. 'Do you have **any **idea how long I've been waiting to get back at these humans who made our existences… and life almost unbearable!'

Carlisle blinked.

'Alice, calm down. And stop poking my chest. Well, I do have _**some **_idea…' Carlisle said thoughtfully, 'I will allow you to continue, on some conditions.'

I could have cried in relief, if that was possible.

'You have to get back at some nurses for your mother and I.'

Wait. Carlisle did _not _just ask us to add more people to our revenge list. I was expecting him to tell us it was extremely juvenile and therefore unnecessary, and that the humans may have experienced a natural _desire_ for us, but that was nothing punishable for. I guess we all _do _have a dark side.

'Okay!'

Carlisle proceeded to rattle off a list of names, addresses and telephone numbers. Probably from the birthday cards they gave him. I whipped out my list and began writing them down.

**TARGETS: Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, Mr. Banner, Coach Clapp, Mr. Varner. Mr. Mason, Dr. Gerandy, Mrs. Cope, the Janitor of Forks High, Mike Newton again, Lauren Mallory again. **

**NEW: MRS. LILLIAN NEWTON, MISS ARMETELLA THOMPSON, MS. MARY ARNOLDS, MRS JILL BROWN.**

Bella peered at the list, and her mouth fell open in a perfect 'O'.

'Wow, Carlisle. Are these just _some _of your rabid followers?'

Carlisle grimaced.

'Well Bella, they would say that they were my first and foremost.'

I looked at the assembled group evilly, already plotting the **demise** of everyone one of our 'targets'. Emmett grinned, waving a stray toilet roll that he had taken as a 'memoir' from Wal-Mart. He had taken to calling it Benny.

'This is going to be so awesome!'

We ran out of the house, and I could faintly hear Carlisle yelling something about 'staying out of jail'. I shrugged- a little deafness wouldn't hurt, would it?


	2. Mike Newton must DIE!

LOCAL TIME: 14:30

**DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns all.**

**LOCAL TIME: 13:35**

**LOCATION: IN FRONT OF MIKE NEWTON'S HOUSE.**

**PERSPECTIVE: BELLA.**

'Operation **ENEMIES OF THE CULLENS BEWARE **commence**. PLAN 1- Mike Newton must die.'**

Alice's sing-song voice crackled through the walkie-talkies. I sighed, and mussed up my hair in frustration. Edward obviously felt the same way as his voice, laced with irritation, came through the overrated communication machine.

'Alice, do we _**have **_to make such a big deal out of this?'

'**Colonel** **Shopping Goddess **to **Private Prude. **Use the code names.And are you saying you don't want to get back at the **human idiots** who irritated the daylights out of our **existences**? Oh, and life. Over.'

I rolled my eyes. Edward was not going to be happy about the code name.

'**Private Prude to Colonel Shopping Goddess. **Of course I want to. But can I at least change my code name-

'**Awesomely-awesome Cap'n Teddy Bear to Colonel Shopping Goddess. **How come you get to be the Colonel? Over.'

Trust Emmett to interrupt people even on a 'mission'.

'**Colonel Shopping Goddess to Captain Teddy Bear. **'Cause I thought up, planned, and am executing this mission. Also, shut up and get on with the TPing.

Newton comes back at 14:00. Over.'

I smirked. Making a mess of someone else's house usually shouldn't give me any pleasure- but I'd make an exception for Mike's. Heh, he'd never know what hit him. I looked up at Emmett on the roof. I couldn't actually _see _him, because he was moving at vampire speed- I only noticed the steadily increasing amount of toilet paper covering the house.

'**Lieutenant Flower Power to Colonel Shopping Goddess. **I have finished dying their pond red and spraying 'Mike Newton is gay' on the fence. Teddy Bear has finished TPing and we are now progressing to Newton's room. Over'

If we ever got found out, we were going to be in so much trouble.

'**Colonel Shopping Goddess to Flower Power and Teddy Bear. **Good work. Over. **To Private Prude. **TP the garden immediately. Remember the black paint. Over. **To Major Emo Pants. **Hack all of the computers in vicinity and download data. Send email to everyone proclaiming his love for Coach Clapp and that Jessica had an abortion. Or whatever comes to your mind. Over.'

The pixie could be pretty deranged. But the email was just a little bit… too much?

'**Captain Tomato Soup to Colonel Shopping Goddess. **Don't you think that the email is kind of _mean?_ Over.'

'**Colonel Shopping Goddess to Tomato Soup. **Bella, have you completely forgotten the reason why we all hate Mike Newton? Over.'

Nope, the past week's event had not been lost on me.

--

**EXECUTE: FLASHBACK  
LOCATION: FORKS HIGH CAFETERIA  
LOCAL TIME: 12:50**

**DATE: TUESDAY.  
PERSPECTIVE: BELLA**

'You have got to be kidding me.'

I muttered, while Edward put an arm protectively around my waist. This was not happening. If I wished hard enough, this would all just disappear…

Alice cleared her throat, and hissed under her breath.

'Mike Newton is coming this way.'

I know. And with a damn bouquet of flowers to top it off. Why, God? Had I done something to disappoint you in any way? Is it so bad that Mike Newton has to go and _ruin _my life in the arms of Edward. Cue dramatic sigh. Edward growled, which meant one thing. Mike Newton was not thinking pretty thoughts about me. I gathered my courage and looked up.

'Hey Mike. What do you want?'

'You, my precious Bella.'

Childishly, I felt like cringing and saying: 'Eww, he said _my name_!' to Edward. Instead, I politely replied.

'Sorry Mike, I'm **not for sale**. Goodbye.'

Satisfied, I reached for my carton of water, until a hand gripped my arm and tried to forcibly _**yank**_ me out of my seat. Everyone reacted quickly.

Emmett and Jasper had leapt over the table with Emmett _**accidentally**_knocking it over, making Mike _**face the wrath of six loaded trays**_. Alice had bared her teeth, Rosalie was staring at Mike with an incredulous expression, and Edward was the most terrifying of all. All of their eyes were soullessly pitch black, and their expressions terrifying. Jasper put a restraining hand on Edward, who was gritting his teeth.

'Let. Go. Of. Bella.'

'Why? You aren't even good enough for her anyway.'

A flash of pain crossed Edward's beautiful face, and at that second, I felt like ripping Mike to pieces. This desire for violence scared me, and I shrank back into Edward…

--

**PRESENT TIME.**

'**Captain Tomato Soup to Colonel Shopping Goddess. **Of course I remember. Over.'

I snapped at the walkie-talkie.

'**Colonel to Captain. **Good, then you can assist **Teddy Bear** and** Flower Power** in the ransacking of Newton's room. Take pictures. Over.'

Mike Newton, you are **SO GOING DOWN.**

--

**EXECUTE: TIME SKIP.  
LOCAL TIME: 14:00  
PERSPECTIVE: MIKE NEWTON.**

Oh my god. I briefly entertained the thought of telling my parents.

'_Mom, the house has been replaced with a giant multicolored snowball made out of toilet paper.'_

Yeah, like that was going to work. It'd work if my plan was to get locked up in a mental institute. I've seen a couple of houses getting the TP treatment, but it was just a couple of trees and maybe the postbox. **NOT THE ENTIRE FREAKING HOUSE.**

This entire thing reeked of one word. I roared it out loud, not caring if any neighbor feared for my sanity.

'**CULLENS!'**

**--**

**LOCATION: A BUSH.**

**PERSPECTIVE: ALICE.**

'Did you get his reaction?'

Rose nodded, smirking evilly. Our family was rolling on the ground laughing like there was no tomorrow, and I was starting to fear for Bella's life- she was turning blue.

'Oh my god, did you see his **face**? It looked like he was…'

Bella's voice trailed off, unable to think of anything worthy to describe Newton's face. I giggled along with her. Once you actually get down to it, this revenge scheme is terrifyingly awesome.

'When we get home, put the video on Youtube and send it to every single person in the school, including the teachers. And make several back-ups. We need something to keep us rolling on the floor for all eternity.'

Jasper nodded, and returned to giggling like a 5-year-old. He gasped for unneeded air, and I smiled. This thing was good for Jazz- he didn't get out much.

'I can see it on Youtube now- '**Honey, our house just turned into a snowball!'** and then zeroing in on Newton's face.'

Edward snorted softly.

'What can I say? He deserved it.'

--

**EXECUTE: TIME SKIP**

**LOCAL TIME: 15:28**

**LOCATION: IN FRONT OF THE NEWTON SNOWBALL. I MEAN HOME.**

**PERSPECTIVE: JESSICA STANLEY.**

Mike was totally suicidal. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT BOY FREAKIN' DID? He sent emails and texts to the ENTIRE SCHOOL, telling them that he and Coach Clapp had an affair while dating me, and that thanks to him I had an abortion and couldn't have any more kids. Then he continued to rant on about how Bella was so perfect and awesome, and strangely, how _Alice Cullen _should be queen of the world.

And we also received a video of him standing in front of his house with the _weirdest_ expression on his face. Honestly, his house was practically a huge ball of toilet paper- sucks to be him. We also had a Youtube link.

But seriously… **JUST WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?!**

Basically, I stormed up to his house, and began to yell at him.

'HOW _**DARE**_YOU TELL EVERYONE THAT I'M PRACTICALLY A _SLUT_ AND I HAD AN _ABORTION_? I NEVER EVEN SLEPT WITH YOU, AND I DON'T EVEN **WANT TO.**__WHO IN THEIR **RIGHT MINDS **WOULD WANT TO ANYWAY?'

I took a deep breath to continue yelling at him- big mistake. He began to whine and plead in that _stupid whiney voice._

'Jess, I didn't call you a slut or say any of those things, I bet that Cullen and his-'

'SHUT UP, MIKE. IF YOU DIDN'T, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?'

I practically _threw_ my phone in his face, and watched his expressions contort into some kind of **fake** anger.

'The number was **yours**, so shut up about saying it isn't true.'

Then I slapped him, and kneed him where it hurt most. Then I stomped off after watching him writhe in the ground and wresting my phone from his grasp.

--

**LOCAL TIME: 15:29**

**LOCATION: BEHIND SOME MORE BUSHES**

**PERSPECTIVE: EMMETT.**

Man, this thing just got better- we got to see the second person on our list- Jessica Stanley- yelling at Newton. Seriously, I almost dropped the camera by laughing too hard. Then Edward hissed at Jasper.

'What? You put that Alice should be queen of the world?'

Jasper blinked innocently.

'Innocent doesn't suit you, Jas.'

I rolled my eyes at him. My dear sister had probably forced him to put that- I mean, that action totally screamed 'ALICE'. If I ever told that to the pixie, she'd probably give me a makeover and turn me into Mickey Mouse or something. Then force me to parade around the mall singing 'Barbie girl' while throwing out free candy.

'Shut up, you're missing the good part!'

My eyes (and the camera) were glued to the scene, until Jessica kneed him in the…

'Ouch. That must hurt.'

Edward, Jasper and I exchanged a glance. Alice smiled sweetly at us.

'You know what the best thing is?'

We shook our heads.

'We have it _**all**_ on video. I think it can be a video response on Youtube… And maybe another round of texting…'

I didn't need to be Edward to know what we were all thinking right now.

_**S-U-C-K-E-R.**_

I ran up to his convulsing form on the ground at vampire speed, and whispered.

'Payback's a bitch, Mike.'

When I zoomed back to the bushes, my family was convulsing on the floor just like Mike- but for entirely different reasons. If we weren't vampires, I was going to think we would just die of a laughter attack.

'This… has to be… one of the best days… of my existence…'

Alice wheezed, and then collapsed on the ground again.

I was wrong when I said this was awesome.

Jessica Stanley was going to have to watch out. 'Cause the Cullens were _on a roll._


	3. Alice's Plea

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight.**

**Alice needs your help!**

Everyone's favorite spiky-haired vampire plopped down on the sofa in Cullen HQ's living room. She sighed, and ruffled her spiky hair, while envisioning herself ripping up the blueprints of a **CERTAIN LOCATION. **

'Man,' she grumbled. 'There's only so much an evil-vampire-genius-master-plotter can do.'

Yeah, you're guessing right.

Alice, the mother of all plans evil, has run out of _**evil**_ things to do to poor humans like Jessica. Will she give up?

**I THINK NOT.**

So she turns to you, and gives you the devastating oh-my-god-über-cute-_**puppy-dog-eyes**_**.**

Haha, you got dazzled.

So why you're being hypnotized in all her vampire glory, why not ask you for something?

**GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS. **

**If you want to be part of **_**THE ULTIMATE EVIL PLAN OF DOOMING JESSICA**_**, just leave your name and gender in a review or mail. Then you can be part of the plan to bring down Jessica.**

Jessica.

The female Mike Newton.

Always thinking repulsive thoughts about _**EDWARD.**_

And thinking she's so much prettier than Bella.

Which she's not.

_Delusions!_


	4. Jessica, and other musings of life

The computer blinked once, eerie blue light shining in the room. Of course, the resident of the room was fast asleep, but that didn't stop the message from getting through. After several seconds, the message opened itself and the text began rolling down the screen.

**Operation: Briefing.**

**Time: 17:08**

**To: All undercover Agents in action**

**From: Agent Frickin' Genius  
Content: Dear agents**

**Text:  
Enemies of the Cullens, BEWARE!: Watch out Jess! is finally in action. All Agents on active duty shall be noted. **

**Head Agent Mastermind, code-named Alice apologises for the tardiness and appreciates all of your contributions which fuelled the blueprints of this plan. Of course, Agent Mastermind will introduce all of you into her evil plans soon to take down the rest of ****the world, ****I mean, Forks. I mean- oh, forget it.**

**Agent Frickin' Genius wishes to state that she claims no ownership over the Book Twilight at all.**

**As for mental exercise, each and everyone one of you are required to match up the Agent to their code names.**

**For example, all of you already know that Agent Mastermind is code-named Alice. Therefore please type: **

Alice: Agent Mastermind

**Agent Frickin' Genius, over and out. **

For the four of these people who got a message, another one followed almost immediately.

**From: Agent Mastermind  
To: Agent Frickin' Genius  
CC: Agent BellaHermione, Agent Twilightfan1178, Agent Sofia24, Agent Ice Devil's Heart **

**These agents have been chosen for participation in the plan. They have displayed great promise and talent in the field of plotting and revenge. **

**I look forward to their aid in the plan.**

**To prevent confusion, Agents will be called by their assumed code-names, followed by a number.**

**Agent BellaHermione: Jennie 1.**

**Agent Twilightfan1178: Lindsay 2.**

**Agent Sofia24: Sophia 3.  
Agent Ice Devil's Heart: Samantha 4.**

**It is essential that the Agents remember their code-names and number to ensure rapid response.**

**Congratulations.**

**Agent Mastermind, over and out.**

**TL;DR: Match code names up to character names.**

**Prize: If you have applied to be in the nefarious plots of Alice, then you'll get placed on priority list, and I'll PM you when you're featured. **

**Deal?**

**I'll make it easy for you: I get tired of typing Agent this and Agent that. So I'm pretty much giving out the answers… Featured guests don't need to be included. **

* * *

**Operation: Move out!  
Perspective: Narrator, Agent Frickin' genius.**

**Time Jump: Sunday night.**

* * *

Jessica Stanley was having a lovely dream. In her dream, she was calmly walking down a wedding aisle while Bella was gnashing her teeth in jealousy. She laughed- beautiful; poised, at the misfortunate girl and continued on, guided by her father into the arms of-

Outside her dream, she sighed.

_Edward Cullen!_

Her eyes widened as she suddenly felt more than cold- maybe her blankets had fallen off the bed? She felt herself trapped in a pair of cold arms and she turned around to investigate, only to stare straight into the topaz-coloured eyes of...

'Jessica… my love,' the bronzed-hair Adonis whispered. 'I want you.'

Then Edward Cullen disappeared, his sudden absence leaving Jessica falling back on her pillows.

'Ohmygoshohmygoshohemgee! Edward Cullen _so _wants me!' she squealed in all her teenage glory. Through the thin walls of her room, she heard several "shut up"s and "go back to sleep"s. But no matter.

Edward Cullen loved her!

She could die happy.

* * *

In the shrubbery underneath Jessica Stanley's window, Agent Steroids snickered. Agent Emoface snickered. The Mastermind grinned evilly. Agent Fallalot made a sad face as _her _Agent Double-o-prude swooped out of the window and locked her into his embrace.

'So, Agent Double-o-prude,' Agent Steroids grinned. Alice and her creative genius… 'How did it feel, professing your love for someone other than, gasp, _Bella?_'

Edward winced.

'To be honest, Emmett? … I mean Agent _Steroids_.' He paused, struggling to find the right word. 'I feel _dirty._'

* * *

Charlie Swan was an extremely light sleeper. He was grateful for this when Bella acquired her new boyfriend- Edward Cullen- damn that boy. There'd be no sneaking through the house when he was here!

Never in his dreams would Charlie imagine that his delightful, innocent Bella was currently making her first successful B&E while he dozed on.

'Agent Pixie_wiggle_,' she whined, contemplating throwing a fit in the middle of the operation. 'Do we _have _to do thi-'

Alice shot her a look filled with enough venom to turn _dust _into vampires, and wordlessly held out a sack.

'Get all of the pillows, unbreakable, fabric stuff, Agent Fallalot. And no more arguing. Agent Steroids, you get the sofa and the TV cabinet. Agent Double-o-prude, the TV, the fridge and dismantle the refrigerator.'

After barking out the orders at _almost _vampire speed, Alice, or Agent Pixiewiggle, sped off upstairs, holding a very scary-looking needle full of sleep serum, whisper-shouting out orders as she ran up the stairs.

'Agent Barbie, up here. We're getting the beds with Agent Emoface.'

What the hell were the Cullens doing?

* * *

**Operation: Teamwork**

**Location: Cullen Mansion, living room, couch.**

**Perspective: Bella.**

**Time: Withheld information, but somewhere near midnight.**

* * *

'Alice, you might _not _know this, but humans need sleep,' I moaned, clinging onto Edward for all he was worth. 'And this particular human _really _needs sleep.'

Edward ruffled my hair, mussing it up and transforming it from a mere bird's nest into mad scientist-esque.

'Alice is rather preoccupied with some guests at the moment.' He paused, topaz eyes straying to the front door. 'Some… nocturnal visitors.'

I sat up straight immediately. My experiences with vampires other than the Cullens had been… _life-threatening _to at best. Edward chuckled and shook his head.

'Don't worry about it, Fallalot. They're from the Denali clan.'

I shrugged and tried to relax. If they tried to chomp my neck or something Edward would fend them off. For now, I just settled for some much needed sleep…

* * *

**Operation: Integration**

**Location: Cullen Mansion, Living room.**

**Perspective: Alice, Agent Mastermind.**

* * *

'Double-o-Prude, wake Fallalot up. There is no time for mindless activities now!' I screeched, shaking my head at the Agent's lack of dedication. Double-o-prude complied immediately and soon Fallalot was ready for action.

'Team Cullen, you might have noticed that we have some fine additions to our unit today,' I nodded appreciatively at the four Denali agents. They smiled back. 'If we had met under more controlled and less urgent circumstances, I might've introduced them formally.' My eyes darkened as my thoughts turned towards a certain human female.

'But now we are at war! To carry out my evil, yet awesome plan, our single large unit shall dissolve.'

I noticed looks of trepidation on the faces of my Agents and sighed.

'We'll be working in units of two. Fallalot and Double-o-prude, Team Virgin.' I noticed the indignant look on Double-o-prude's face and rolled my eyes.

_Just saying it as it is, Edward._

'Barbie and Steroids, Team Deviants.' Before I even finished speaking, the two started liplocking. How unprofessional.

'Team Evil will consist of Emoface and I. Team Minion shall be made up of our lovely Jennie 1 and Lindsay 2. Team Scouters will be Sophia 3 and Samantha 4.'

I produced the mission cards- five bright fluorescent cards covered with text. I flipped them over so no one could see anything and did a quick shuffle for good measure.

'Okay teams, pick a card,' I fanned them out and shoved them in Bella's face. She quickly chose to orange one, and her face crumpled up.

'Alice, you _cannot _be serious.'

'**Deadly **serious, Fallalot. Now go and achieve your objectives like a good little Agent.' I handed her a black bag of tricks she would need and focused on the other teams.

Lying around waiting wasn't really my thing, and there was still so much to plan before the sun rose…

* * *

**Team: Virgin  
Agents: Fallalot & Double-o-prude  
Location: Outside Mike Newton's house**

**Mission objective: Kidnap Mike Newton.  
Perspective: Agent Fallalot, aka Bella.**

**Card: Orange.**

* * *

'I thought maybe could leave Mike Newton alone, y'know. He's been more quiet since the whole plan we threw at him last time.'

Edward just shook his head at me and continued staring up at Mike Newton's window.

'One thing you need to know about Alice, love, is that she is utterly merciless when it comes to getting revenge,' he rolled his eyes. 'She will stop at nothing to get her satisfaction. No vampires are lazy enough. No plots are evil enough.'

Yep, I understood that much. To think that one day she'd be my (shudder) _sister-in-law!_

God help me.

I looked down at the card again, thumb repeatedly flicking over the sharp edge of the card.

**Card: Orange  
Difficulty level: 2**

**Objective: Kidnap Mike Newton.**

**Mission steps:  
1. Go to Mike Newton's house, located at address censored **

'This map is pretty confusing,' I stared at the miniscule drawing that Alice had no doubt inserted as an afterthought. It made absolutely no sense. In fact, it actually looked like a diagram of the Carbon Cycle.

'No need to fear, m'lady. I can smell Newton's foul stench all the way from here.' Edward lowered his back and I sighed.

'Well, if you insist…'

**2. Leap up to his window (windowsill white with red paint splattered on it) and use the sleeping glass (black metal in bag). Make sure he inhales 21 times.**

'I am not leaving you out here on your own at night, love.' Edward rolled his eyes at me.

'You aren't suggesting that I scramble up the drain pipe to his window, are you?' I eyed the pipe a little warily. It was a miserable thing with flaking grey paint and rust everywhere. It'd barely support a squirrel, let alone _me._

'Of course not Bella,' he winked at me and started slowly approaching me. My eyes widened in horror- he was _not _going to do what I think he was going to d-

In a swift fluid motion, Edward slung me onto his back and leapt into Mike Newton's room. I hissed in surprise- it's not everyday your vampire boyfriend decides to leap into another boy's bedroom with you on his back.

'Edward! I could've gotten killed!'

'Did you ever think for a second that I'd let that happen?' Edward raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. He had a point there.

Shrugging, I dug through the black bag (how much stuff was in that thing?!) and tossed a nondescript black canister at his head. Hah, see how he liked near-death experiences now! Without even blinking, he caught it and began using it.

Damn vampire reflexes.

**3. Leap out of the window with Newton. **

'How're you proposing we do this step?'

'Leap out with Newton first and dump him on the ground, leaving foxes to devour his body.' I wrinkled my nose at the suggestion. 'Then leap out with you.'

I groaned.

**to Jessica's house. **

'Are you _sure _that no one will see you carrying an unconscious person over your shoulder and wonder?'

'Bella, it's past midnight.'

…Oh.

**5. Administer sleeping gas. [Inhale 7 times] **

'How long does it take for the girl to breathe?!'

'Edward, patience.'

**6. Deposit Mike Newton onto the ground next to Jessica Stanley.**

'You didn't have to just drop him y'know. He's a fragile human after all.'

'I assure you Bella, it was _entirely _necessary.'

**7. Wrap their arms around each other in a suggestive pose.**

'I'm pretty sure that I draw the line somewhere around here. They were my friends and everything.'

'No lines dare to come within 10 kilometers of Alice.'

'… True, that.'

**8. Rip up their clothes a little.**

'Why do I feel turned on watching my boyfriend tear another girl's clothes apart?!'

'Bella, easy on the graphic mental images. How do you think I feel?'

**9. Take cans of beer and open them. Drip contents in the room and shove a few anywhere.**

'How can a human drink this? It smells _disgusting_.'

'Edward, you drink _blood._ Beer is mild in comparison.'

**10. Take pictures.**

'It's a Kodak moment, let me go and get my camera~' I sang softly under my breath and grinned, snapping pictures and closeups of Mike and Jess.**  
**

**11. Report back to HQ. **

Edward and I stood back to admire our handiwork. Adopting a posh British Accent, I began to tease them.

'I must say, old chap, that your prowess with arranging teenagers leaves nothing to be desired.'

Edward looked at me with a bemused expression. 'Carlisle would love the accent,' I grinned back at him and yawned- something that wasn't lost on Edward. He pulled me into a hug and leapt out of the window with me in one arm.

'Bed time for the human.'

* * *

**Team: Deviants  
Agents: Barbie & Steroids  
Location: Cullen Mansion, study, in front of a supersized computer and a small army of laptops.**

**Mission objective: Use evidence to compose a long and lengthy email to her friends. Forward it to the universities listed.**

**Card: Red  
Perspective: Agent Barbie**

* * *

'Jeez, this is pretty much grunt work,' I complained, staring at the masses and masses of CDs and paper. 'What the heck are we supposed to do with all of this crap?'

Emmett shrugged and waved a red card at me, which I quickly snatched and read, disbelief settling in with every line I absorbed.

'Damn,' I heard Emmett mutter as he rustled the papers. 'Alice is one determined pixie.'

**Card: Red  
Difficulty level: 4**

**Objective: Wreck Jess' social / academic life.**

**Mission steps: **

1. Take out all the CDs and papers.

Emmett simply lifted the black bag and held it upside down, shaking it occasionally. A torrent of CDs and papers rained down.

I grinned.

'Check,' he grunted.

**2. Divide the CDs and papers into 2 piles. One team member takes CDs, the other takes papers.**

Elegantly moving to the middle of the room, I swept all the CDs to one corner and all the papers to another with a gentle tap of my Jimmy Choos.

I think I cracked a CD case, but whatever. How dare Alice reduce me to grunt work!

'SHOTGUN THE CDS.'

'No, Emmett,' I pouted at him, putting on the unhappy puppy-dog eyes. 'You're the law student. You're used to stupid papers.' I pouted some more until he gave in and sat near the mountain of papers. He groaned.

'Love letter. _Great._'

I smirked to myself.

'Check.'

**3. Divide the items into two categories: Incriminating evidence of friends/family and incriminating evidence of anything related to school.**

'Jesus, how did Alice get all of these?'

'Emmett, we raided her house less than 20 minutes ago.'

'Wait a sec, how did Alice get hold of all these IM conversations?'

'Rose, Emoface is Bill Gates in disguise.'

**4. Read everything in the friends/family pile.**

'Are you freaking _joking_?! Do you know how much shit that girl has in the friends and family pile? It's higher than Mount Everest. And Mount Everest is high. We climbed it.'

'And you caused that avalanche by throwing a rock at Edward.'

'Yeah, stupid Edward. Why did he have to move out of the way?'

**5. Compose an email and send to contacts listed, using the revenge format that all of you know.**

'The revenge format?'

I impatiently tapped the general outline into the word processor. Emmett peered over my shoulder.

'Oh, _that _revenge format.'

**Paragraph 1: Over the (time), (name) has been a very good (something) to us all. But recently, we have discovered a treasure trove of information that might make us consider otherwise…**

**Paragraph 2: Close friends & family s/he has harmed, with evidence  
**

**Paragraph 3: Embarrassing views on people with power  
**

**Paragraph 4: Incriminating evidence**

**Paragraph 5: I have always thought that (name) has been a good (title). However, now I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel that his/her actions were uncalled for, such as the (insert worst wrongdoings).**

'Ehm… Rose?'

'Emmett, shush. Start typing in the contacts, I'll send it to you after I finish typing,' my fingers flew across the keyboard rapidly. We'd probably have to replace it later with the speed I was typing it.

'There are a _lot _of people in our year, you know that?'

'Yep, I know. Now start typing.'

'You're merciless, Rose. Merciless.'

'You married me anyway.'

**6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 for the school pile and compose email (revenge format). Send to university registrars listed, to the teachers and to the Headmaster's inbox as well. For good measure, forward to friends.**

'OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN'T TYPE DOWN THE EMAIL ADDRESSES AND SAVE THEM!'

'Idiot, reopen the email and copy the addresses from the send function.'

'But Rose, I deleted it.'

'Why on earth did you do _that?_'

'Then good luck re-typing, husband dear.'

'GRAAAH!'

**7. Use mass texting method to tell everyone to check their email.**

'I never want to type… another word again…'

I shrugged. Typing wasn't all that bad. I texted a 'chk ur inbx ppl' and hit 'send all', a handy little function Jasper had devised. Now, why couldn't he do that for the emails?

**8. Report to HQ.**

'I… hate…. Alice…'

* * *

**Team: Evil  
Agents: Mastermind & Emoface.  
Location: Cullen HQ**

**Card: Yellow**

**Perspective: Alice**

--

'Yellow, yellow yellow, the best of all the colours,' I sang happily, clutching my **yellow **card. (In your face, you others! I got _yellow!_)

'Alice? Are you… okay?' Jasper cowered behind the coffee table. I frowned. We had an operation to run! There was no _time _to cower behind coffee tables.

'I'm perfectly _dandy_, Jasper dear. Onwards to the prison!'

'We're taking over the police station? Alice, I usually go along but this is…'

'High school, prison. Same thing, really.'

**Card: Yellow  
Difficulty level: 1**

**Objective: Wreck Jess' academic records and mess with her locker**

**Mission steps:**

**1. Go to Forks High School by yellow Porsche**

'Any particular reason for the wonderful choice of vehicle?' Jasper was the most wonderful vampy husband anyone could ask for, but his fashion sense was seriously lacking.

'Jazzy, look at me.' **  
**

'You're very beautiful.'

I rolled my eyes. The compliment was nice, but that wasn't what I meant.

'I'm wearing yellow. I have yellow shoes. My sunglasses are yellow too.' I beamed at him with all the force of my yellow-ness.

'Plus I was gonna dye my hair yellow as well, but Rose would be jealous.'

**2. Storm the school!**

'Storm the school. And you plan to do that… how?'

'Shush, Jas. It's all been planned out,' I tapped the side of my head knowingly. Being a psychic had it's perks. I skipped happily into the blind spots of the cameras all the way to the front door.

**3. Find Jess' locker and steal everything**

'Does this human stuff her entire wardrobe into her locker?' Jasper shook his head as I lifted the entire row of lockers up and shook her stuff out. I was pretty surprised. I mean, even _my _locker didn't have so many clothes. And lipsticks.

'I'm getting a bit of Marry Poppins-ness here.'

**4. Go back to the Cullen HQ with her stuff**

'Pedal to the metal, baby!'

* * *

**Team: Minion  
Agents: Jenny 1 & Lindsay 2  
Location: Seattle Drugs 'R' Us  
Card: Pink  
**

'Why d'you think Alice wanted us to come _here_?' Agent Jenny 1 twirled a shiny lock of hair around her finger thoughtfully. Several males in the vicinity fainted. 'Forks probably has a drug store as well.'

Lindsay 2 shrugged and tapped her finger on the many boxes and bottles on the shelf.

'Cough drops, cough syrup, bug spray, fly swatters, oh, here they are.' Lindsay 2 smiled as she picked up a familiar pink box 'Condoms!' She picked up another box, grinning happily.

'Birth control!'

**Card: Pink  
Difficulty level: 3  
Objective: Buy ****all ****condoms and birth control**

'Doneeee!'

* * *

**Operation: Final strike  
Location: Cullen HQ  
Perspective: None**

The Cullen family were gathered around the dining table, loot spread and divided into neat little piles. For some reason that sanity couldn't comprehend, Alice was holding a cane.

'You four,' she snapped, glaring at Agents 1 to 4. They twitched at her harsh stare and looked away. 'Take these,' Agent Mastermind looked distastefully at the small piles of birth control, 'and put them in Mike and Jess' lockers.'

'Now!'

* * *

**Operation: Watch out Jess!  
Time jump: Monday afternoon  
Location: Forks High cafeteria.  
Perspective: Bella Swan, Agent Fallalot.**

Okay, what we did yesterday was mean. _Incredibly _mean. But you know what? I feel kind of... proud of myself. But dear God, Jess' _face!_

It was entirely devoid of the normal make-up she plastered on her face, her hair was a _mess, _her clothes were at least 5 sizes too big for her and all boring business-like.

I giggled, burying my face In Edward's chest. He dropped a kiss onto my hair.

'You should hear her thoughts, little Agent Fallalot.'

I giggled. 'I'm not sure I want to, Edward,' I looked fondly at Alice as she grinned with malicious delight. 'But props to Alice for the awesome plan!'

Alice heard me and bowed her head graciously in victory. She winked at me, making a little hand gesture that signaled that Jess was coming over.

'Bella you _bitch_, you've **ruined **my LIFE,' she screamed at me raising a hand to slap me. I caught it as she tried to hit me, raising an eyebrow.

'I **hate **you.'

'What a _surprise._'

There was a quick crackle of static, followed by a 'Would Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley please report to the Principal's Office now. Thank you.'

Jess glared at me and whispered a venomous 'It's not over, bitch,' and slunk out of the cafeteria. A subdued Mike followed her to the accompaniment to Emmett's catcalls. I grinned. Phase 2 of the plan...

'It's working,' Alice smirked, rubbing her hands together evilly. 'They will _paaayyyy_!'

'Um, okay then,' I started slowly backing away from Alice, into Edward's arms.

* * *

Okay.

Woah.

Hold up there.

If you want to know what happens to them afterwards, give me a good reason to start writing this again. Because right now, I don't have any motivation what so _freakin' _ever. I've tried to re-read Twilight to try and get myself out of my Twilight-block, but all that it's done is to convince myself that Stephenie Meyer is, as a matter of fact, a terrible writer.

People on fanfiction can write better than her. If you ask why aren't fanfiction people as successful as her, well. They didn't think up Edward, did they?

I started writing this waaaay back, when I still liked Twilight. But... seriously?

The rabid fan girls started putting me off. That was when I realised...

Twilight is a very badly written book. I liked the _idea _of it but...

If there's anyone out there that wants to take over the story for me, please PM me now.

In the mean time: A little gift to you readers. I've been mulling over this for quite a long time, and I've decided to release the last chapter without actually finishing it.  
And this is what pushed me off the brink of having a slight fondness for this poor excuse for a book:

ht tp :// ww w .ge ocit ies .co m/su ed es troy er45 3/tw iligh t . ht ml

I was originally planning to make a sequel to this, which involved the Cullen family and Forks High in a prank competition, with leaving the town forever as the stake, but...  
Yeah, not going to happen. Sorry.

Bye.

And of course, I mean no harm towards Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, rabid stalkers of Edward and all the fic-writers & reviewers.

I just think that it might be a little bit better if someone with better writing skills wrote it, and maybe added a touch a _reality._

'Cause let's face it people, a sparkly vampire sounds nice, but it just is kind of...

Normal person: So... what are your hobbies?

TwiFanGirl: I like to stalk sparkly vampires and write about them on the internet!

No.

Just no.

* * *

* * *


End file.
